Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is the much beloved Christmas movie that deals with family, friendship and rampant intolerance of someone who is different than you. It teaches that it’s ok to treat someone like a steaming pile of worthless garbage until you need them for something, in which case you do the noble thing and look past their horrible flaws in order to further your own agenda.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is a timeless classic produced in 1964 by Rankin/Bass. They are the visionaries behind other Christmas favorites like Frosty the Snowman, The Year Without Santa Claus and their biggest hit of all time: Nestor, The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey.
Rudolph was filmed using advanced stop motion techniques with puppets. Growing up I always thought that Rudolph was filmed using claymation but as a young child I was also what society liked to refer to as “really dumb”.
The movie begins with the birth of our hero, Rudolph. Now why they chose to animate the entire birthing process in very graphic detail is beyond me but Rudolph’s father, Donner, upon seeing that his son is born with a red nose truly discovers the unconditional love that a father has toward their child.
Once Donner has time to process the embarrassment and shame that he feels toward his son, he reaches a second tier of douche-baggery by telling his young son that he needs to hide the very feature that makes him special and unique. Deaf to his son’s pleas for understanding, Donner makes Rudolph wear a crudely fashioned prosthesis that is forcibly crammed onto his nose. Donner doesn’t even try to size the damn thing so that it fits properly or make sure that it’s even comfortable to wear.
We take a break from that freak of nature to meet an even bigger loser: Hermey the elf. Hermey works in Santa’s workshop making toys but what he really wants is to be a dentist. They punish Hermey by making him work through his break or else he’ll be fired. Through the various interactions with his boss, we learn that Hermey harbors some shockingly Marxist ideals.
It’s then time for the young reindeer to show what they’re made of in The Reindeer Games, it’s like the Hunger Games except instead of violence and murder there is teasing and contempt. It’s there that Rudolph meets Clarice. It goes about as well as every time Rudolph meets someone new.
Wow, that is very noble of her. Even the people that are “nice” to Rudolph are still dicks.
Rudolph kicks absolute ass in the reindeer games and everyone loves him until his freak nose is exposed. Keep in mind that he just impressed the shit out of the instructor, his dad, and Santa Claus but reindeer are apparently more close minded than…someone whose mind is…not open. It’s 3 in the morning so that’s the best simile I can come up with.
That is an adult reindeer reacting to a small child.
They all basically shun Rudolph from that point on, causing him to run away. He meets up with Hermey and they form a pretty solid partnership.
I imagine this is the sort of agreement real dentists have to make whenever they meet someone.
They take off together and meet up with Yukon Cornelius the greatest prospector in the north. Also, be sure to look for his episode of My Strange Addiction.
The three eventually make it to the Island of Misfit Toys which is overseen by the majestic as shit, King Moonracer.
King Moonracer flies out every night to bring back misfit toys that no boy or girl wants. He wants Rudolph to tell Santa about the toys on the island so that he can find a home for them. Some of the misfits include a Charlie in the Box
A water gun that shoots jelly.
A bird that doesn’t fly.
And a doll that…likes to burn things probably. Not really sure why she’s here.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer doesn’t want to put is friends in danger so he takes off. After months on the run Rudolph decides to head back and wouldn’t ya know it, everyone is still a raging dick to him. Santa tells him that his family left to go look for him and because Santa is a selfish asshole, he reminds Rudolph that he needs his dad in order to fly his sleigh. Rudolph takes the hint and because he desperately seeks Santa’s approval, he takes off again to go find his family.
Rudolph makes his way to the lair of the Abominable Snowman, aka The Bumble, and finds his family trapped inside. Fortunately, Yukon and Hermey also found The Bumble’s den and formulate a plan using the only skills available to them: pig noises, breaking rocks loose and unlicensed dentistry.
The Bumble is rendered completely harmless and our heroes can easily just walk right by him and be on their merry way.
Well that was unnecessary
They make it back but a big storm will force them to cancel Christmas. Santa realizing that he has no choice decides to find it in his heart to let Rudolph lead his sleigh. It’s a Christmas miracle….based on necessity.
“I knew that nose would be useful someday. I knew it all along.” – Donner finally accepting his son now that literally everyone else does.
The day is saved and even the toys on the Island of Misfit Toys get a happy ending. Which is all well and good except that, ya know, some poor kids are going to get defective toys and wonder what they could’ve possibly done to upset Santa Claus.
If you liked this Rudolph the Red Nosed Review then be sure to check out some of my other AAA content…or A content…solid C+ content