Of course they pick a train car full of hobos who immediately shake down the guys in exchange for the bums silence. They get a watch, some cash and a sweet Purdue University jacket. After the transaction is complete the bum with the Purdue jacket flips out and everyone scatters. But don’t worry folks, the only person they shoot is the homeless thief wearing Mike’s Purdue jacket thus proving that crime doesn’t pay. End credits.
Fallon finds Frank’s wallet on the thieving homeless punk and gives our guys a pretty decent head start again. Frank and the guys go against their instincts and run for more than 20 feet when they come across a building complex that would be right at home in I Am Legend.
Seriously, what time is it right now? I mean I know we’re in the ghetto but people still live there. If you just walked into this movie at this point then you would just assume it was 4 in the damn morning but it’s got to be only 9:30, maybe 10 at night…where the flip is everyone?!
So they go into one of the buildings and go from apartment to apartment acting very weird and jumpy and they wonder why no one will let them in.
So after they get rejected they decide to not go down to the basement like a dumb horror movie cliche but instead go up like an even dumber thriller cliche.
To put this in perspective, at this point in the movie they have lost Fallon and have about an 8 minute head start on him. That’s just in movie time with edits and everything so we’re probably looking at a 15 minute head start. I don’t know about you but if someone is running from me and they have a 15 minute head start, I’m probably not going to find them. Hell, even a 5 minute head start is enough for me to just give up looking. Luckily for Fallon, he’s chasing after some pretty stupid people and he’s able to find them very easily.
Frank talks some random lady into letting four random dudes into her apartment because the story needed to move forward. They call the police and 20 minutes go by with no cops showing up. So it has been almost a half hour since they saw Fallon and they could have ran to the police station by this point. Instead they’re trapped in this apartment while Fallon’s thugs proceed to bust their way into each and every apartment, including shooting the locks off the doors.
Let’s remember that Fallon is chasing these 4 guys because they witnessed him committing a crime. So in the process of tracking them down, he is committing even more crimes with even more witnesses.
The guys learn that the kids in the building have a way to get to the next building from the roof…which is basically just two ladders duct taped together. Three of them make it across but Ray throws the ladder down and decides that he’s going to negotiate with them. So Ray busts out his best Ari Gold impression, which is basically his best Jeremy Piven impression, and tries to cut a deal with Fallon. And wouldn’t ya believe it, that crazy son of a bitch actually managed to pull it off.
Moving right along, they run out of the building and are about to hop a fence when the unthinkable happens.
What the actual poop was that all about?! You have been desperately searching for some form of civilization for about 28 hours. If that’s me, I’m taking my chances with the gang bangers.
So let’s weigh our options: We can either hop a fence and keep running towards freedom and back to civiliz-Ooh, a sewer! Alright, I see what you’re getting at here. You lose Fallon in the labyrinthine tunnels with disorienting acoustics, making it extremely difficult to locate you. You crafty devils.
Or you can hang out right under the grate while you have a loud discussion…that is also a thing to do. Not surprisingly, they are found almost immediately which is what happens when you hide like a damn four year old.
They take off and actually manage to lose Fallon again! Fallon and his guys don’t know which direction to go down there and at least one is questioning whether or not they should give up. So of course when our guys find another grate leading outside they choose to not go because it’s “bright up there.” (stammering) What?! In case you couldn’t guess, they are screaming all of this information. At least they killed one of Fallon’s guys and then went up into the extremely bright world.
Ok, so they hide directly across the street from the sewer after having a far too long discussion in the middle of the road. (sigh) Ok, I guess it’s not the worst place to hide because Fallon hasn’t come out of the sewer yet and has no idea where they are. So, just stay hidden until Fallon emerges from the sewer and go the opposite-or run after a bus screaming and firing a gun.
Ok, shoot bus and then have loud argument in the middle of the street: Check. They are right on schedule. We’re almost through this thing, just a couple more fuck ups and we can end this. They’ve lost Fallon, again, and just need to keep going, again, so naturally they decide to throw a garbage can through the front window of a Department store. Incidentally, hiding in that garbage can would’ve been a better option.
Their thought process is that the security guards will come rush to check it out. There have been explosions, screaming and gunshots this entire night and not one single cop has shown up so what makes them think that some secur-
Largo EntertainmentOh…that’s actually tremendous response time
If they weren’t about to be brutally murdered I would suggest that they ask for a raise.
The alarm has been blaring for a while and sure enough Fallon finds them because if you pause certain scenes and go frame by frame, you’ll notice that Denis Leary’s character has ears.
That’s just a little Easter Egg for you guys. A game of cat and mouse ensues and we finally get to see the bad ass Frank that they’ve been hinting at this whole movie and it is as underwhelming as you would think. A lot of elbow and forearm strikes and some grunting. Fallon falls to his death and now that there is no danger, the police finally show up. Explosion: No response. Shot up apartment building: No response. Alarm at a shitty department store: Swarm, swarm, swarm!
And just like that they’re judgment night is over and honestly it’s amazing that any of them made it out alive. Sure they’ll still have the bullet wounds and the emotional scars of hearing their friend scream like a little girl when he died, but now they’ll be legends in the eyes of their family and friends…just so long as they leave out all the details that make them look incredibly stupid.
If you liked this Review then be sure to check out some of my other AAA content…or A content…solid C+ content