House of the Dead Movie Review

House of the Dead Review


Jonathon Cherry:  Rudy – Main Character
Will Sanderson: Greg – Rudy’s best friend and Simon’s brother. Neither connection comes across in any of the scenes, this is just what we are told through a voice over.
Tyron Leitso: Simon – The dumb pretty boy that looks like a poor man’s version of Matthew Fox, who himself is a poor man’s version of Edward Burns
Clint Howard:  Salish – Because of course Clint Howard would be in this.
Jurgen Prochnow:  Captain…Kirk? – I guess we have a character named Captain Kirk in this movie!
Ellie Cornell: Casper – Cop who is after Captain Kirk because he’s a smuggler
Sonja Salomaa: Cynthia – Greg’s girlfriend…that’s her entire character description.
Ona Grauer: Alicia – Rudy’s ex-girlfriend. Simon likes her. She likes fencing.
Enuka Okuma: Karma – She likes Simon. I’m not making it up, that is her entire role summary.

Best Quote:

“You created it all so that you could be immortal. Why?!”  “To live forever.” – The only way this line would work is if it it’s followed by “you fucking idiot.”

House of the Dead Review

The movie begins with Rudy talking about the zombie attack and about how all of his friends are dead. I’m glad we know right off the bat that we shouldn’t give two shits about the characters we are about to meet. Flash back to the day before where the dim bulb friends in question have just missed the boat that was supposed to take them to the “rave of the century” because they were 15 minutes late. The fact that these dip shits can’t make it to a simple boat ride on time tells you everything you need to know about these rich, preppy mongoloids. They suck so much that I’m not even going to bother to learn all of their names.

house of the dead
Artisan Entertainment (Mouth Breathing Intensifies)

The rave is held on an island and like any good rave it is sponsored by Sega, is attended by 12 people and takes place in the middle of the day. This is the kind of rave that some rich kid named Dylan would throw when his parents were in Europe for a month. Basically it’s date rape central.

Because these people are vacuous, self absorbed sacks of crap who can’t be on time to catch a boat (I still can’t get over that) they decide to ask the first trustworthy looking person they meet.

clint howard
Artisan Entertainment The hook hand doesn’t worry me, it’s the full rain slicker on a sunny day that I find suspicious.

Ron Howard’s brother is the first mate on Captain Kirk’s boat and they initially refuses to take these narcissistic dick holes because the rave is located on the Island of Death. Our band of miscreants really wants to go to this shitty rave (because that’s what equally shitty people do on the weekend) so they offer them $1000 to take them. $1000!? You can host your own damn rave for that kind of money because I’m pretty sure that’s more than the budget for the rave you’re about to go to. My god, these people are stupid as fuck.

Before the boat can disembark Casper threatens to raid the boat but Simon pays Captain Kirk more money to just take off…from the police. At this point in the movie Captain Kirk has already pulled a knife on Simon. Simon has no idea who this man is yet he’s going to help a potential criminal escape the police.

house of the dead
Artisan Entertainment You drive a hard bargain, Captain. $2000, ya big lug.

A random chick and her boyfriend Matt slip away from the rave to go tell secrets naked. Matt somehow just disappears without his girlfriend noticing. She goes looking for him and just like any random chick in a horror movie, she gets super lost and winds up in a creepy old cemetery.

house of the dead
Artisan Entertainment Shithouse of the Dead

Keep in mind, it’s still like 2:00 in the afternoon so it’s creepy but not too creepy. Upon seeing a rundown House of the Dead, random chick continues to call for Matt and ask if he’s in there even though there is absolutely no evidence to suggest that he is in there. This is an annoying trope even in big budget horror movies.

house of the dead
Artisan Entertainment My apologies, Matt actually was in there.

Our “heroes” arrive on the island with the police in mild pursuit. Instead of being an actual cop, Casper decides to be dropped off on the completely opposite side of the island giving Captain Kirk plenty of time to stash his illegal cargo. Not that any of this bullshit matters.

The gang finally makes it to the rave which is trashed, deserted and covered in blood. Instead of being alarmed these turd burglars are actually excited that they get the whole place to themselves. Who wrote these characters? I’m pretty sure you can drink in a rundown shit-hole back home for way less than $1000. Also, they’re here all weekend and they didn’t even bring a change of clothes or anything. God, I hate these people.

house of the dead
Artisan Entertainment WooHoo! A single keg of beer!

Simon, Alicia and Karma decide to go looking for the other ravers while Greg and Cynthia stay back to have sex but Cynthia ends up getting attacked by zombies instead. Simon and the girls end up finding the old house in the cemetery and are greeted by Rudy and the other survivors who fill them in on the zombies and what-not. They go back to the rave and are attacked by Zombie Cynthia who is then immediately murdered by Casper. At this point I imagine Uwe Boll explained to the cast that Cynthia was one of their best friends and that they needed to act shocked and horrified that they just witnessed her death.

house of the dead
Artisan Entertainment Nailed it!

They decide to make a run for the boat when a shit ton (12) of zombies begin to chase them. Luckily the boat captain was smuggling guns so they all instantly become freaking commandos. Since this is a horror movie the zombie attack is accompanied by funky techno music. I nearly shit my pants it was so scary. It’s also clear that Uwe Boll Googled “matrix-effect-you-know-that-one-where-everything-freezes-and-camera-moves-around” and then proceeded to use it for FREAKING EVERYBODY!

house of the dead matrix
Artisan Entertainment In their defense, it was 2003 and Matrix-ing was still pretty fresh.

Then comes a 12 minute long orgy of techno music, jump cuts, and insignificant character deaths…it’s a fucking whirlwind. The gang decides to take refuge in the creepy old house and begin to search it for another way out. Captain Kirk tells the group about a Spaniard named Castillo who performed immortality experiments on people hundreds of years ago and enslaved the natives on this island and set about killing whomever set foot here. Because that’s something that goes unnoticed in the 21st century.

The screenwriters then decided to purge everyone from the movie except Rudy and Alicia. They are surrounded by zombies and a sword wielding Greg comes to save them. “But hold on a minute, Greg died earlier so how can this be?” asked absolutely no one. Well dummy, that’s because it’s not actually Greg at all but none other than Castillo!

house of the dead castillo
Artisan Entertainment “It is I, the character you first heard about 5 minutes ago!”
italian spiderman
AlrugoEntertainment “Waaaaaaah!”

Castillo wants to harvest Rudy and Alicia for their flesh so he can sew it onto himself. Not sure why he wants to live forever looking like a Chucky doll, but hey that’s his deal. Rudy and Alicia escape but not before Castillo stabs Alica in the chest. Alicia’s last ounce of strength is used to kill Castillo by stepping on his head. Seriously, this dude has lived for hundreds of years and that’s how he goes out?

Some secret government agency shows up and we learn that Rudy’s last name is Curien! (crickets chirping) Hold on, let me Google why this is important. Apparently Roy Curien was a scientist in the game and Rudy is supposed to be his son or something. It’s easy to forget that the House of the Dead game had an actual story line…pretty much like it’s easy to forget that this movie has an actual story line. Rudy then loads Alicia on the helicopter (she’s still alive because Rudy injected her with the “immortality” formula) and they head off to the mainland with a blatant setup for a sequel. (Sigh) So now I have to watch House of the Dead 2?


If you liked this review be sure to check out No Holds Barred | Distracted Movie Review and Children of the Corn | Distracted Movie Review

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