Home Alone Movie Review

Home Alone is a parable about how it takes a village to put a young child’s life in serious jeopardy. It’s not quite clear if Kevin was a deranged sociopath before he was left home alone or if the abandonment by literally his entire family is what caused his fragile young mind to break.

Home Alone Review

Home Alone begins with young Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin) being treated like absolute garbage while his entire family is getting ready for a trip to France. There are 4 adults and 11 children in this house and all anyone does is give Kevin shit for no reason.

Oh…that was kind of rude Kevin.

OK, so Kevin was kind of a little asshole there but I’m gonna cut him some slack because the kid is 8 years old and everyone’s treating him like a sack of crap because he can’t pack his own suitcase. I was helpless as shit when I was in 2nd grade and you better believe I wasn’t packing my own suitcase. Actually, come to think of it, I don’t pack my own suitcase now.

The shittiness continues into dinner time when they order 10 pizzas for 15 people…does that seem like a lot to anyone else? I mean, a large pizza is 10 slices so that’s about 5 slices per person and most of them are tiny children. I don’t know, it’s always bothered me for some reason. But anyway, they order all of these pizzas and by special request they order one cheese pizza for Kevin and then refuse to save him a single damn slice. He understandably goes a little bit ape shit.

Holy shit! If anyone called me that when I was 8, especially if it was a family member, I would hope that my mom would at least shoot them a stern reproachful look. Are you even allowed to call children jerks? Now granted, a lot of children are just complete shitty pieces of shit fried shit, but you don’t say it out loud. So, after being verbally assaulted by literally every member of his family his mom tells him to go upstairs.

Jesus Christ, Kevin! The balls on that kid.

Through the power of Christmas magic, the power goes out in the whole neighborhood and the family has to scramble to get to the airport on time. Through a horrible accounting failure, they manage to leave poor Kevin home alone. Kate McCallister (Catherine O’Hara) has already proven that she kind of secretly hates Kevin but it’s still surprising when she doesn’t realize that her youngest child isn’t with them until like 6 hours into this flight.

So, you’ve left your child home alone but at least you can contact the police and they can look after your child until you get back to the States.

home alone review
“I pounded on the door several times in the middle of the night without identifying myself as a police officer and no middle school children came to investigate. Tell ’em to count their kids again.” – Office McShitty

Or the cop can pound on the door and get shitty because an abandoned grade schooler didn’t answer it. OK, so the cops are basically worthless. If only there was a way to call Kevin to let him know that they are on their way. There is a way to call because Peter calls and leaves all of their contact information on their next door neighbor’s answering machine. And don’t give me any of this crap that the phones were still out at the McCallister’s house because Kevin is able to order a pizza.

So basically, this movie could’ve been resolved if it wasn’t for gross police incompetence and convenient plot holes. To top it all off, Kevin has to deal with the Wet Bandits who are obsessed with robbing his house.

home alone review
20th Century Fox What the hell is the mortgage payment on a house like that? Also, I’m pretty sure Peter McCallister is some type of criminal.

The Wet Bandits are Marv (Daniel Stern) and Harry (Joe Pesci). Even though they have robbed every house on this block, they are bound and determined to rob Kevin’s house even though they know that he’s home. They also know that Kevin recognizes them and could easily identify them to the police. My question is: what exactly were they planning to do to Kevin?

Kevin goes to these great lengths to defend his home, which I get. What makes this messed up is that he leaves every door unlocked. He is luring these criminals into his psychotic little fun house. The only reason they survive most of his traps is because it’s a PG movie. This movie really is just a few edits away from being a seriously dark thriller.

Let’s assume for a moment that the Wet Bandits had no intention of harming Kevin when they first got to the house; paint cans to the face probably changed all that. I know that for me, someone making a shitty comment to me in the moments after I hit my head really hard are the only times when murder seems justified. And if that person also shot me in the dick: game over, man.

“If you bomb me with one more can, kid, I’ll snap off your cajones and boil them in motor oil!” – Harry talking about genital mutilation in a family film.

By this point in the movie, Harry and Marv have verbally committed to murdering the shit out of Kevin and honestly, at this point, it does seem like their only option. I mean, he’s gotten a very good look at both of their faces, he has tried to murder THEM, and these two have not stopped shouting each other’s names this entire time. They have really left themselves zero outs in this situation.

So, Kevin has whipped both of these career criminals into a murderous frenzy and the only trap left between them is a trip wire. Kevin finally decides to call the police (on a phone that has worked this entire time mind you) and this movie can finally come to an end.

home alone review
20th Century Fox What the shit, Kevin?!

Not only does he give a fake name but he gives his neighbor’s address? I…I give up on this kid. You deserve whatever the Wet Bandit’s have planned for you. Waterboarding might be an option, ya know, if they want to keep a theme.

I’m pretty sure I’m on a watch list now after searching for this picture. But at least I found the most innocent picture of waterboarding ever. Haha! The dude’s using a fucking watering can.

Kevin makes it to the Murphy’s house and Harry and Marv finally catch up to him because they are adults and he’s a small child. Seriously, it shouldn’t have been that difficult. So now that they’ve finally caught up with this pint sized demon, they have to decide what to do with him.

OK…that’s a weird choice. That seems like something you would build up to, but what do I know

Harry had Kevin’s fingers in his mouth and he looked pretty pissed. If the South Bend Shovel Slayer hadn’t knocked them out when he did…was Harry actually going to bite Kevin’s fingers off? What the actual crap, Home Alone?!

So now Kevin is safe and in police custody after explaining that he’s an 8 year old who is home alone we can fin-

Home Alone Review
20th Century Fox

So the cops just left a child home by themselves on Christmas Eve after almost being murdered by two burglars? And it also looks like Kevin stayed up all night cleaning up the blood and bits of charred flesh that were most likely all over the house.

It’s a good thing that Kate spent thousands of dollars and endured God knows what in the back of that box truck so that she could make it home a full 3 minutes before everyone else.

If you liked this Review then be sure to check out some of my other AAA content…or A content…solid C+ content

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