Children of the Corn Review
Peter Horton: Burt – Dr on his way to his new job who stops in Gatlin to beat the shit out of a lot of children
Linda Hamilton: Vicky – Burt’s girlfriend who is way more into him than he is into her.
John Franklin: Isaac – Child preacher being played by an adult? I am there!
Courtney Gains: Malachi – Isaac’s right hand man and just an all around dick.
Robby Kiger: Job – Sees right through Isaac and Malachi’s weird little religion and defies them by playing Monopoly. Take that a-holes!
Anne Marie McEvoy: Sarah – Job’s sister who was blessed with the gift of Sight. If you need a drawing of something that is currently happening, about to happen in the next 30 seconds, or just finished happening then she’s your go to.
Children of the Corn Movie Review
Job and his dad leave church and none of the other kids in town were there because they were with Isaac in the cornfield. After the meeting the kids murder all of the grownups in what had to have been an extremely organized and coordinated effort led by this guy.
What he lacks in size, he makes up for with sweet hats.
Job says that this was the day his sister, Sarah, started drawing her pictures. They are prophetic drawings of things that are pretty much just happening right at that moment. Some pictures are from a little bit in the future, but not really far enough in the future to really do anything about it. But bless her little heart, she’s trying.
Burt and Vicky are on there way across the country so Burt can start his medical internship. Vicky tries to show her fun loving side by doing some sort of song and dance routine but Burt is clearly not interested and it just makes things awkward for everyone, including the audience.
That’s enough of that unpleasantness. We meet Joseph, a Child of the Corn, who is tired of Isaac and Malachi and is going to run away. He makes Job and Sarah promise to not tell or else they’ll suffer eternal damnation. He makes his escape under cover of mid afternoon and is caught laughably fast. Laughably, that is, until he gets his throat slit and thrown in front of Burt and Vicky’s car. It’s actually quite tragic and I apologize for making light of it.
Burt finds Joseph’s blood stained suitcase in the corn while Vicky takes a nap. Seriously, she just falls asleep after they run down a child with their car. Maybe the filmmakers had a narcolepsy subplot all ready to film but just ran out of time. I can just imagine all of the hilarious predicaments they would get into.
Malachi watches as Burt throws Joseph’s body in the trunk and drives off to find help.
Immediately after that Malachi catches Job and Sarah playing in their old house and takes them to Isaac for there punishment. Say what you will about Malachi but that dude has some serious work ethic. Isaac refuses to punish them because they weren’t a part of the original plan to murder everyone and because Sarah has “the gift of sight” and has warned them of the Interlopers arrival.
Once again, the drawing he’s currently referring to shows Burt and Vicky’s car on the way to Gatlin. That’s all well and good and the Sight is a very important skill that was bestowed upon her by HWWBTR, but Malachi already had this information with his regular sight and told Isaac as much. But Isaac still wants to treat Malachi like a punk. Stay strong Malachi. It’s hard out here for a pimp.
Burt and Vicky come upon a rundown Gas station and the old man who works it tells them that there is no gas and no phone. He tells them to just head down the road they’re on and they will get to Hemingford. Just go straight and follow the signs. Pretty straightforward directions but somehow Burt leaves on this:
Somehow finds his way in the middle of a corn field
And winds up back at the same damn gas station that he just left. How do you get that turned around that badly when your only direction was to go straight? Classic Burt
Burt and Vicky decide to take their chances in Gatlin and find a town that is very clearly abandoned. After striking out they decide to try for Hemingford again when they think they see a front door open and close when they drive past a farm house. When they go up to the house they follow Horror Movie Rule #1: If you knock on the door of a creepy old house and no one answers, you may walk around that house if the door is unlocked. I’m pretty sure that’s State law. You can also speak loudly about any weird stuff you find in the house because you are definitely alone in there so just have fun with it.
After walking through the entire house they find Sarah playing in an upstairs room. She tells them that Isaac put all the adults in the cornfield and this raises zero red flags for Burt. He doesn’t even ask any followup questions. He just decides to walk back through the town and go to the town hall because if every other place is completely abandoned, then everyone’s gotta be at the town hall.
Back in the house, Sarah draws another one of her classic pictures. This one depicts Vicky being taken to the cornfield…literally 30 seconds before she is taken to the cornfield by Malachi and the others. Good job, Sarah.
Burt is wandering around town still not really grasping the fact that something weird is going on in this town. He also has zero awareness of the fact that children are around every corner watching his every move…and this man’s a doctor? I would hope he would be somewhat observant and/or not a complete dummy.
Burt sees a drawing of a dragon and apparently that’s the final straw for him because he runs back to the house in a panic. He finds that Vicky is missing and realizes she has been taken to the corn after shaking Sarah for a good 3 minutes to get that information. She is bound and determined to be of as little help as humanly possible.
Burt runs into the church and right into the middle of some sort of ritual. We find that one of the children, Amos, is turning 19 and when the Children reach that age then they are sacrificed to HWWBTR. In all honesty, he’s probably just doing it to impress a chick. Burt tries to lecture him and the children attack him and chase him out of the church. As an adult who is regularly teased and mocked by children, I totally understand Burt’s pain. Why did I wear a fanny pack that day?!
By this point in the movie I’m pretty sure that He Who Walks Behind the Rows is a creepy demon pedophile. “Hey, you should totally kill your parents and then meet me in the cornfield. We can take our shirts off and drink sleepy juice and wrestle and just be silly all the time. Wait, you’re how old? 19? Gross, kill yourself.” Move along, ya pervert!
Burt manages to get away from these kids numerous times until he finally has an epic battle with Malachi
Or he just punches Malachi in his “children of the corn” and then runs immediately into a post. The important thing is that he tried.
Back at the corn, Malachi turns on Isaac and decides to offer him to HWWBTR. When Isaac is strung up, HWWBTR turns into the most horrifying creature ever: 1980’s digital effects. We are also treated to the manliest death scene in cinema history.
Isaac comes back to life and now has a deep sultry voice. It’s always tough when child actors hit puberty in the middle of filming but I think the director handled it flawlessly.
HWWBTR then either creates a giant storm or becomes a giant storm, not sure which, and everyone takes shelter in a barn. Burt hooks up gasoline to the sprinkler and sets the corn on fire…and that’s it. Burt and Vicky walk back their car, decide to adopt Job and Sarah but you know Isaac is coming back for one final jump scare.
Um…or this chick will just get knocked out very easily…ya know, because she’s a child and Burt is a grown man. Surely, Isaac or someone else will come along and-
Nope. Ok, movie’s over folks. Children of the Corn is nowhere near considered a good movie but they did a decent job considering the source material is like 8 pages. Don’t worry, though because there are about 20 more Children of the Corn movies out there that really help flesh out this diverse corn loving universe.